Saturday, 30 March 2013

How P!nk Could Have Won Eurovision (Obviously)

After finding little success with their choice of a septuagenarian male crooner and his very old-fashioned ballad in last year's Eurovision Song Contest, the UK have taken action to ensure the same doesn't happen again this time, enlisting sexagenarian female croaker Bonnie Tyler to sway her through a quite old-fashioned ballad. This is progress. Said ballad isn't all that bad, more Eurovision-friendly than it's predecessor, and while there might be questions regarding her live vocal ability it may just do alright. But is that enough? Well, it's a start. But it could have been so much better, had the BBC somehow convinced P!nk to enter the contest with her current single, 'Just Give Me A Reason'. Bear with this.

It's almost axiomatic that there is little better in the world of popular song than two people pretending to be a couple shouting at each other about how they don't love each other as much as they used to. It's a tried and tested formula - come on now - with an example of a great execution from Eurovision itself in Lynsey De Paul and Mike Moran's ode to the way relationships erode, 'Rock Bottom', which finished second for the UK. In 1976. But still.

Amazing, no? ("Yes.")

The similarities to P!nk's Man From Fun-featuring hit are obvious (a bit), and so it would have made perfect sense to take things further and follow in its Eurovision footsteps, taking cues from the staging on the way. Here is 'Just Give Me A Reason':

And here is a blow-by-blow account of the completely imaginary performance that would have seen it storm to victory in Malmö:

The song would begin with a close-up of P!nk's face amid pitch black, perhaps slowly panning around her, until she reaches the chorus. At this point things switch to a long shot. She's sat, in profile, at a piano. When the chorus finishes the lights come up on a close-up of Man From Fun, who is also sitting on a piano, facing P!nk. After his second line, "I thought that we were fine", the adjacent pianos begin revolving. There's probably a bit of dry ice around as well. Alecia and Man proceed to sing/shout at each other right up until the big release of her "we'll come clean", upon which there is a slight pause not found on the studio recording which will give time for the crowd to whoop and indeed holler. The pianos, now back in their original sideways position, stop revolving. They're looking each other right in the eye now, pained faces and all, singing a bit more before they start turning again, right up until the singing reaches a suitable conclusion (obviously entering this song would necessitate shaving a whole minute off it, something which would be very easily done) before the piano coda. By the time that has finished the pianos are once again in their stationary, horizontal position, and the two singers look a bit sad. During a long shot of the both of them, it all fades back to black.

And that is how the UK could have guaranteed themselves victory at this year's Eurovision.

(NB: other recent releases that also could have done a good job: Agnetha Fältskog's 'When You Really Loved Someone', Ulrik Munther's 'Tell The World I'm Here' and Stockholm Syndrome's 'Karma'. Yes, there's a pattern emerging there.)