In at Number 95 is Mike Candy's 'One Night In Ibiza', cut from his forthcoming album 'Plumbing The Depths' like a plastic 6 pack ring from a dying swan's neck. Actually the album's not called that but it might as bloody well be. Never has hedonism sounded so utterly tedious. 'One Night In Ibiza' would be workmanlike, if only it appeared to have had any work put into it whatsoever. It is the sound of 2011: the sound of total contempt for the listener. The sound of imaginary VIP areas that, even if they did exist, would never admit the mere mortals lapping it up. It's that of aspiration to barely glamorised misogyny, Pitbull's good looks and David Guetta's great hair. It's the sound of laddism, the WKD side and Massive Banter. It's the evacuation of not only a genre of music, but music itself. It's the sound of 'will this do'. It's the sound of 'turns out it will'. It's the sound of this parody Twitter account, Taio Cruz and Olly Murs. It's like Britpop never happened. It reverberates from the deeply mythologised Club, where it's possible to party party PARTY until 6am without anyone getting glassed or being sick, and have both the wherewithal and wealth to do it all again from tomorrow until forever. It's the sound of money for nothing and your drinks for 10p. It's proof that the Bodyrockers were prophets, not anomalies. It is The Only Way Is Essex, it is Geordie Shore. It's the sound of the apocalypse.
Glad to sort that out.
But while it's all well and good having a go at things that are rubbish, negativity and misanthropy are fool's games, really. There is a lot of good stuff out there - or at least stuff not dire enough to make you want to slowly extract one of your eyes with a teaspoon - and it should be celebrated and cherished. Have a listen to Raluka to cleanse your palate. Then, in light of the unrepeatable atrocity above, it's only right that you partake in a moment's silence to reflect. And then you can listen to Raluka again. Here is the Top 10.
10 (11) Adele - 'Someone Like You' UNDEREXPOSED
9 (10) Andra - 'Telephone' ACE
8 (4) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna OH GOD
7 (8) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga ALSO ACE
5 (6) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' ...
4 (7) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona THIS IS A GOOD SONG
3 (2) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony FOURTEEN OUT OF TEN
2 (5) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan UNDISTINCTIVE
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) HURRAH
Well what a mess this blog thing has been. A shame that there's no time to turn it around now. There's nothing that can be done. Except...
- Dan Bălan is trying to break Russia, but hasn't forgotten his roots, personally auditioning a variety of Romanian models (or a 'bevy of buxom babes') for a starring role in his latest video. The lucky winner of the part was Ioana Raicu. Congratulations, Ioana.
- Alexandra Stan's career hit a new high last week when 'Mr Saxobeat' soundtracked the exit of this year's Big Brother runner up, Jay McKray, a man notable for putting his poo in the house's freezer.